Articles: 1493
31 May 2025, 14:19
News
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In yet another outrageous display of unprecedented judicial activism, a federal judge ruled earlier today that President Donald Trump must use the bad controller.
31 May 2025, 14:06
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a beautiful and heart-rending moment, Elon Musk extended a glowing finger to touch President Trump's forehead before stepping into a rocket and returning to outer space with his people.
30 May 2025, 20:17
U.S. — Startling new data from health experts has shown that the musical Hamilton may be a gateway to far more flamboyant musicals.
30 May 2025, 19:55
U.S. — American toy and playset manufacturer Little Tikes announced an exciting new playset modeled after the ancient Ark of the Covenant that actually kills you if you touch it.
30 May 2025, 19:46
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Aides in the White House were shocked this week to find former President Joe Biden's autopen still signing bills in a storage closet.
30 May 2025, 18:47
CLEARWATER, FL — Superstar actor Tom Cruise, fresh off a promotional tour for Mission: Impossible - The Final Reckoning, was reportedly kicking himself after learning that he could have been using CGI for stunts this whole time.
30 May 2025, 17:57
GAZA — In a statement issued to all media outlets, Palestine officially distanced itself from popular music group Imagine Dragons following the band's recent waving of a Palestinian flag during a concert in Milan.
30 May 2025, 17:34
Harry Potter is moving to the small screen with a streaming series on HBO Max — but with some much-needed changes. Everyone knows Snape is now black, but here are nine other changes coming to HBO's Harry Potter series:
30 May 2025, 16:15
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Federal Bureau of Investigation made a definitive statement concluding that billionaire Jeffrey Epstein killed himself, confirming once and for all that Jeffrey Epstein did not kill himself.
30 May 2025, 15:38
U.S. — The country was thrown into chaos this morning as a federal judge from the D.C. District Court overturned the law of gravity nationwide.
29 May 2025, 20:57
HOUSTON, TX — According to sources close to the discussion, a group of evangelicals met at a local coffee shop to brainstorm the dumbest possible name for the new church they were planting in the area.
29 May 2025, 20:08
U.S. — Washington was abuzz with the news that Elon Musk had officially stepped down from his duties as head of the Department of Government Efficiency. Musk said he will now spend his time tackling the much easier job of sending human beings to Mars.
29 May 2025, 19:28
The Democratic Party is struggling with approval among men. They know they're going to have to turn that around if they want to have any chance in 2028.
29 May 2025, 19:08
ST. PAUL, MN — Local 33-year-old Peter Winstead was stupendously flabbergasted earlier today to find that over 90% of his advanced vocabulary had been acquired from reading Calvin and Hobbes.
29 May 2025, 18:53
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an attempt to clear up lingering confusion over the role of the nation's chief executive and avoid ongoing injunctions to block executive actions, the White House asked a federal judge if there's anything the president is actually allowed to do.
29 May 2025, 17:59
ANN ARBOR, MI — According to sources, local man Florian Beeve has stated that he is "very" comfortable with his masculinity, despite having no masculinity whatsoever.
29 May 2025, 17:37
LONDON — Following years of leniency amidst increasing reports of widespread sexual assaults, the United Kingdom's Home Office, in conjunction with the Metropolitan Police Service, finally announced a crackdown on Muslim rapists.
29 May 2025, 17:27
U.S. — According to reports, the Trump administration was revoking thousands of Chinese student visas, leaving American students in danger of having no one to cheat off of.
28 May 2025, 21:52
The Babylon Bee was saddened to learn of the passing of former President Joe Biden. [Note: Make sure this does not get published until it is 100% confirmed that he died.]
28 May 2025, 21:37
CAMBRIDGE, MA — With the Trump administration banning Harvard University from taking international students, the school was forced to begin accepting students from Ohio.
28 May 2025, 20:22
WARWICK, RI — A housewarming party for the Banning family reportedly started with a powerful land acknowledgment statement honoring the Johnson family who had previously lived in the home since 2019.
28 May 2025, 18:58
U.S. — After spending hundreds of millions of dollars on political consultants to learn how to win men back, the Democratic Party unveiled its new strategy of having a gay guy grow a beard.
28 May 2025, 18:22
After WNBA players reported racial slurs being yelled by fans, the league launched an investigation which turned up truly sickening results. Here are the eleven racial slurs that are often heard at WNBA games:
28 May 2025, 18:00
BOISE, ID — A still-ongoing 27-hour stalemate ensued after two Mormon missionaries knocked on the door of a family of Jehovah's Witnesses.
28 May 2025, 17:10
INDIANAPOLIS, IN — The WNBA has officially launched an investigation into a possible hate crime following a formal complaint by Chicago Sky player Angel Reese, who claimed that an orange metal noose was found on the court.
28 May 2025, 16:03
The Babylon Bee would like to announce that we have officially joined National Public Radio in suing the government for not giving us tens of millions of dollars.
27 May 2025, 21:44
CAMBRIDGE — A new theological discovery shook up modern Christianity this week, as Bible scholars revealed evidence that led them to believe that the "P" in "Psalms" was not supposed to be silent.
27 May 2025, 20:19
BURBANK, CA — Walt Disney Studios announced Monday that all lessons learned from the disastrous release of Disney's Snow White have been affectively unlearned thanks to the box office success of Lilo & Stitch.
27 May 2025, 19:58
SACRAMENTO, CA — In an effort to simultaneously deal with the state's residents attempting to stage a mass exodus and capitalize on the popularity of fun group party activities, California unveiled a massive new escape room called "California."
27 May 2025, 19:21
The fate of the world was left hanging in the balance when Starbucks employees went on strike, holding the company over the proverbial barrel with a long list of demands. The willingness of Starbucks management to give in could very well determine the survival of human civilization.
27 May 2025, 18:25
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Tensions stemming from the ongoing negotiations between Russia and Ukraine to bring the years-long war to an end threatened to boil over once again, as President Donald Trump responded to Vladimir Putin's charge of him being emotional with an all-caps social media post.
27 May 2025, 17:36
WORLD — Joe Biden has found a new purpose in his post-presidential years, having formed a new support group for battered and abused world leaders with French President Emmanuel Macron.
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